Once I began questioning what was in my food supply and if our elected officials really had our best interest in mind, I began questioning every thing around me. As a newer mother who has never had to think about putting a child in school, I began to question what I was going to do with Andrew when he became school age.
Personally, school was a mixed experience for me. Elementary was okay, middle school was a little tougher for me when my step-father passed away from brain cancer and high school was the most challenging because I never felt I “fit in.” Sure, many people knew me but I could only relate to a small handful of people. While most teenagers were living life in the fast lane without a care in the world, I was fighting to survive, basically on my own. I was certainly not interested in sitting in class all day, learning about things that did not appeal to my passions. I had a free spirit that was longing to be out in the real world. How I would have given to be home-schooled at the time but my mother didn’t want me to.
Because everyone’s experiences will be different, it’s been difficult trying to figure out what I am going to do with Andrew.
Home Schooling… Is it Really For Me?
Homeschooling has popped into my mind more than a few times and for a while I thought I would home school Andrew. The idea is nice; no rushing in the morning, having loads of free time to encourage curiosity and growth, no mass amounts of homework. Also, the idea of not having the chance of my son being forced certain things on him like vaccines without my consent, being around the terrible food and possibly not getting the attention he may need for school, really makes homeschooling sound like a way better option. I really considered it especially having a close family friend who home-schools her daughter.
But is it for me?
This is a question that has been lurking in my mind even more lately than usual.
Feeling Like I’m Not Reaching My Full Potential
I’ve stayed at home with my son and gave up my passion of teaching people how to dive almost two and a half years ago — it has been incredibly hard for me. As a young mother (19 years old when I got pregnant) who is extremely driven and has a free spirit, being at home and putting my life on the back burner has proven to be a huge challenge for me; mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Although I know I have my whole life to pursue what I want, it still does not stop me from feeling like my fire is burning out inside of me. I’m dying to feel free. I’m dying to feel like I can really let my creative side soar and do great things.
Am I aware that Andrew is young for only a short period of time and I can never get it back? Yes, I am. I do my very best to make sure I soak in every moment of it. However I cannot deny that talking to a toddler all day, each week sometimes makes me go a little stir crazy. Mama needs a little brain stimulation and time to herself. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and blessed to have this rare opportunity to stay home with my son in his younger years. I am sure there are many mothers out there who wish they could stay at home with their little ones.
However, I still feel like I’m not reaching my full potential and it really eats at me.
Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s because I feel I got robbed of some of my youth and freedom. Or maybe I am just not that kind of mom. And when I say “that kind of mom” I mean it in the most respectful way! Hands down I give so many kudos for mama’s who homeschool their children! Being a SAHM is hard enough, but the responsibility of making sure your child is educated by you, seems huge. I just mean I don’t have that kind of patience. Sure, I have a great deal of patience but I do not think I have the patience needed and required to teach my son everything he needs to know without getting a break for my own mental well being.
Am I aware of how crappy most of the public school system is? Yes, absolutely. But the feelings I feel are real and trying to cope with the constant struggle of putting my son first or my happiness first really eats at me.
If Mama is Not Happy, No One is Happy
Do I suck it up and give my child every bit of my attention and put myself on the back burner until he’s out of school? Or do I find a good alternative school to put him in and pursue my dreams? By putting him in an alternative school I could still be a huge influence with his learning and be there to help him whenever he needs me.
If I choose the second option, am I being selfish?
I’m realizing at the end of the day, if mama is not happy, no one is happy. How can I truly give my son everything he needs if my soul is not 100% satisfied? How can I give out, if I don’t have anything inside? How can I give him the very best, if I am not at my very best?
These thoughts continuously flood my mind as I’m constantly trying to search for the answer.
I would do anything for Andrew and I want the very best for him. Any mom knows the feeling. But I don’t think I could home school him. Maybe that will change 10 years down the road, but right now in order to give Andrew the best, I have to pursue my goals of being the best and it does not include home schooling him. I want to be a good role model for him and lead by example but in order for me to be a good role model, I have got to feel good from the most inner part of my core to the outer layers of my body.